Criminal Masterminds? Not These Dumb Crooks

For some reason, most criminals think they are masterminds and, most of the time, that turns out not to be the case.

You would think a criminal would develop a strategy before committing a crime. While I’m sure there are some crooks who do spend time developing a plan, there are probably far more who do not, and that usually results in what is referred to as a “dumb and funny” criminal. There is nothing any funnier to me than dumb criminals who step into something without a way of stepping out properly.

Here are a few of those crooks who probably didn’t think things through very well, or just acted on the spur of a moment, or possibly displayed a weak IQ level:

• I’M ON MY WAY TO ROB YOU! This really happened in Connecticut. Two men decided to rob a bank and the mastermind behind the robbery was a man named Albert Bailey. Bailey and his bank-robbing partner called the bank and informed an employee they were on their way to rob the bank and instructed the employee to get the money ready for pickup. Of course, as a precaution even though the employee thought it might be a prank call, notified the police who were waiting, just in case the robbers showed. When the two men arrived at the bank, Bailey sent his partner into the bank with a note stating they were the bank robbers who had called and were there to pick up the money. Busted, convicted, and received a nine year sentence, what masterminds!

• TAKE MY GUN, PLEASE! One of the dumbest criminals had to be in England. A man decided to rob a bank and wrote a note instructing his teller of choice to put money in a bag he planned to take with him. The man entered the bank, handed the teller the note and then, handed the teller the gun rather than the bag. When the man realized his mistake, he apologized and ran from the bank. Not sure if he was ever captured and not sure if he was smart enough to find his way home.

• I’M JUST A HAIRY WOMAN! Let’s face it. If you are going to rob someone, it’s best to try and hide you identity. Dennis Hawkins apparently thought his disguise was a good one. NOT! The man decided to commit a robbery and disguise himself. So he put on a pair of clown pants, wore fake breasts and a blonde wig. A woman that would stand out in a crowd for sure. What Hawkins forgot to do was to shave his mustache and goatee or cover his face and looked right into a surveillance camera. How long do you think it took police to identify him?

• CALL ME WHEN I CAN ROB THE PLACE! Ruben Zarate, an 18-year-old Chicago man, probably has the IQ of a peanut. I shouldn’t insult a peanut like that and here’s why. Zarate decided to rob a muffler shop near his home. Somehow, he was smart enough to take a weapon to attempt the robbery, or someone may have told him he needed a weapon. He entered the muffler shop, showed everyone the weapon and informed the employees he was there to rob the place. An employee quickly told Zarate there was no way he could get any money because it was all locked in a safe, only mangers could open the safe and the manager was not there at the moment. Zarate did the smart thing. He asked for a pen and paper, wrote his phone number down and instructed the employee to call him when the manager returned so he could come back and rob the place. The employee called police; in turn they called Zarate and told him the manager had returned. In a heavenly bliss, Zarate returned to the muffler shop and walked right into the trap. If that wasn’t enough, he started a shootout with the cops that failed. Sorry, peanut, what an insult to you!!

I can hear their lawyer now speaking to a jury, “We enter an insanity plea. Do you believe if my client was smart he would do this? I have to believe not. He is insane.”