Survival is Not the Goal

Recently I was talking to a friend and they were dealing with coming to grips with some trauma that they experienced years ago. However, some emotions have risen to the surface making this harder on them at this time. As they were talking, they said four words that bother me more than other words: “At least I survived.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard those four words used over and over again, “At least you survived”, “At least they survived”, “At least I survived.” I have heard those words on many occasions. At least you survived. Yes, you are happy you survived. But that’s the thing. It doesn’t matter if you survived an illness, an abusive relationship, a car wreck, a shooting or any other traumatic situation. Survival is not this magical “yay everything’s better, you survived.” Survival is not an “okay, that’s the end you survived, that’s all that matters.” Survival is not the goal.

I’ve suffered my fair share of trauma in my lifetime, and a lot of it, like most trauma, should have never happened. Most of it could have been prevented by people who caused it. And as grateful as I was that I survived and made it to the other side, hearing people tell me “At least you survived” made me feel like I didn’t have a valid reason to still be upset about the trauma that I endured. Because, why should I be upset? At least I survived, right? I think “at least you survived” is right up in the super annoying sayings along with “think about those who have it worse than you.”

I understand that when people aren’t sure what to say, they try to fill the silence with false platitudes, but these can lead to misunderstanding, miscommunication, feelings of loneliness, and loss of validation for the people who are suffering the trauma. Telling someone to “think about those who have it worse than you,” in my opinion, is wrong. I like to use what I call the “Plate Theory” to explain why that saying is particularly annoying and dismissive. We may all be given a plate, but we don’t have the same plate. Some people’s plates are flimsy things that can’t even hold up a sandwich. Some people are given strong stoneware plates that hold a lot and can handle lots of weight, but if they’re dropped, they’ll crack into several. Some of us are given strong styrofoam plates that can hold up anything, but if you cut too deep, it leaves marks, and if you don’t know how to carry them properly, they collapse.

And then some of us are given the strong plastic plates, the kind that go through dishwashers, drops, knife cuts, and seem to hold up no matter what. We’re all given a plate, but we’re not all given the same plate.

I look at it with the same idea as “at least you survived.” Yes, in a shooting, you’re grateful that you got to go home because others may not have. Yes, when you survive a cancer that doctors didn’t think you were going to survive and many others have died from, you’re grateful that you survived. If you manage to get out of that abusive relationship before it kills you, you’re grateful because you know many people don’t.

But telling someone at least they survived is downplaying the trauma that they went through, it’s downplaying what they had to do to survive, it’s downplaying that they had to survive anyway, it’s downplaying that majority of the time it wasn’t even something they did.

Sometimes it’s not about the fact that you survived, but that you shouldn’t have had to survive. You should never have been treated that way. Surviving is not the goal, the goal is healing.

When you go to the hospital for a broken bone or a car wreck or appendicitis, they don’t look at you and say, “Oh, you survived, you’re good.” Instead, they do everything possible to make sure you properly heal, you have surgery, you get put in the cast, or whatever is needed. You’re given antibiotics, you’re given treatment, so that you can fully heal. Yes, you survived the fall down the stairs that broke your leg. Yes, you survived appendicitis. Yes, you survived cancer. But surviving is not the only thing doctors care about.

They want you to heal.

It’s the same when you suffer a trauma. Survival is not the goal, being healed is. You can’t suffer some extreme trauma and expect at the end of it because you went home that day, or because you were declared cancer free, that’s not just “it.” You still have healing to do. Physically, mentally, emotionally. When you tell somebody, “At least you survived,” you’re not doing them any favors because they still need to heal, and they need to know that they’re healing and that’s okay.

Some people get stuck in that frame of mind – when things get tough you keep your mouth shut and keep moving. They think, “I survived, so I shouldn’t be sad or complain. These feelings I’m having will go away.” In that mind set, you don’t heal. If they keep pushing it down and the feelings that they’re having, they will never heal, and that creates another wound, and that wound will get bigger and bigger and bigger. And I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it. Allowing that wound to fester and go untreated, can take you to the dark place. You could find yourself on the edge of the cliff that you may not be able to back away from.

That’s the thing they don’t tell you. You have to heal fully to really survive.

“At least you got out of it.” “At least you recognize those unhealthy thought patterns.” “At least you didn’t give up.” “At least you kept going.” “At least you fought.” I’ve had people say some of this to me, and I’ve heard people say these things to others, and I love it, because they recognize the trauma, they recognize what the person went through, and they remind them that it wasn’t about their survival. It was about the fact they fought, or they got out of it, the fact that they didn’t give up or that they asked for help.

It was about the fact that they chose to heal instead of merely surviving.