Resumés: I tried, but they have a ‘hire’ calling

I was a dough maker. I made dough.

On that note (above), I would like to take a moment to offer a few tips on what makes for a good “resumé.” Actually, scratch that. It’s been about 20 years since I did a resumé. Best I leave that to the experts. Instead, I’ll offer a few tips on what I think makes for an interesting, sometimes humorous, resumé.

Before we get started, let me say I hope to not come across as arrogant or pompous. 

“Oh yeah, you’ve got three jobs. It’s easy for you to poke fun.” 

No, that’s not me. (Just so you know. I’m not good at any of them. And P.S. If you want one, would you give me a call so we can talk?”)

I also don’t want to sound mean and not sympathetic/empathetic to anybody who’s going through this. I was unemployed back for a time when I was in my 50s. It was no fun. It was a really, really, really stressful time!

On the other hand, this column is a bit of a payback for about 99 percent of them who wasted my time playing games, trying to beat the system, et cetera. I regress. When I first started working for the Houston Home Journal back in April, one of my first tasks was to hire a couple of folks in the press room. To that end, they had already placed the advertisement on Indeed, and I already had a handful of resumés waiting on me. And resumés continued to come in. I’ve filled the positions, but they continue coming in. (I think we should remove the advertisement. What do you think?)

Here’s what I found as I set about on this journey. The majority of people weren’t returning phone calls. I mean, people weren’t returning phone calls! I would leave a voice mail, hoping, praying: Please, Lord, let this be the one. Nothing. Nada. Then, come to find out, somebody told me … I don’t know if it’s true or not, but it sure appears to be … that to continue to get unemployment, they have to affirm they submitted X amount of resumes per week/month, whatever (another sad commentary about who we’ve become as a nation). The math – see: no return phone calls – added up.

There were a few exceptions. 

“Hello?” 

“Yes. This is Don Moncrief from the Houston Home Journal. You had submitted a resumé for the position we have open in the mailroom. I was wondering if you were interested in stopping by and talking about it?” 

“No. Not today.” Click.

(This one happened twice, almost word for word.) “Hello?” 

“Yes. This is Don Moncrief … resumé … position … talking about it?” 

“No. I don’t want to take a pay cut.” 

“Okay. Thank you for your time.” 

Me to myself, and left with a lot of questions: One, I didn’t say anything about how much we pay. Two, do we just scream low wages? Three: Why did you submit a resume in the first place?! 

Add a few “no shows” for appointments and a few “shows” in which I hired a couple of really good people, and you have the experience. 

Yet the resumés continue to fascinate me to this day. (See: I’m thinking … remove …) Starting with the one that started this column. I mean, I do have to applaud him for being a man of few words. He was an “order puller”. His description of this intricate, specialized duty? “I pulled orders.” 

In another job, he was an “order selector.” Wait for it because you know this is going to be detailed beyond measure. “I selected orders.”  He was a “truck loader/unloader,” and you guessed it: “Loaded and unloaded trucks.” (On the other hand, it appears he performed exactly as advertised.)

Deli associate (title.) “I worked in the deli.”

Customer service. “I worked in customer service.”

Receiving department. “I worked in the receiving department.”

Mysteries solved.

This one was interesting. Her opening began with, “I feel as if I would be able to make a difference in any establishment that gives me a chance!” Excellent. We would be looking for somebody like that. “I give 110 percent.” Well, that’s awesome. But impossible. 100 percent is all you have to give (an Associated Press Styleguide summation). Still, awesome. “Open to trying anything new.” Good. Good. Go on. “… genuine smile … friendly … so much to offer … always delivered … very reliable …” Super. Super. Super. “I also have skills I have not listed.” Wait? What! What are these skills? Are you a ninja? Hit woman? Spy? Undercover superhero? I’ve got to know. “Ring.” “Ring.” Voicemail. “Argh!”

And on they went. This one “owned” all her “customer interactions.” (Not me. I’m always trying to blame someone else.)

This one worked as a front-desk receptionist at a detention center, and yet what she wrote she did was odd. I “reported disruptions” and provided “prompt assistance and treatment to inmates in the event of injury, illness and emotional trauma.” Are you sure you don’t work for The Continental Hotel? Now starring in John Wick, Chapter 4 …

This one’s not funny. I felt for him. He worked his way up from the bottom of being a painter … “I paint” … to owning his own company … “We provide full painting services from residential to commercial.” (That screams he took it right off of his business card.) … then back where he started … “I paint” (a maintenance man).

I also felt for another. Twenty-five years in the workforce, five jobs, and the most they had to show for every position was: “I did paperwork.” (We feel you, sister.)

One had on hers; in almost every job she had, she “watched for theft.” (I probably should have hired her. You know how bad journalists are about stealing pens and pencils and reporter’s notebooks.) 

“I check in trucks.” “I work on trucks.” “I steal trucks” (just making sure you were still paying attention). “I pick.” “I pack.” “I pallet.” “I forklift.” (I’m kind of jealous. There are a lot more folks in this world who can drive a forklift than I would have ever imagined!) “I cook.” “I clean.” “I carpentry.” 

And on and on they went. You name it, they’ve done it. Dozens and dozens and dozens of jobs and dozens and dozens and dozens of accomplishments. Everything. Just don’t ask them to pick up the phone and answer when you call to offer an interview.