Warnings

Nudity, violence, substance use, alcohol use, smoking, foul language, and sexual content. Those were the MPA (Motion Picture Association) warnings stated at the start of the comedic classic of my youth, Animal House. Kelly, what else can they warn you about? Well, it’s not 1978 anymore, so I’ll explore additional options that the Motion Picture Association should include in future ratings. You’ll thank me later.

I find it interesting that smoking is listed as a warning on movies these days. An activity that, last I checked, is still legal in all of Obama’s 57 states these days. But so is alcohol use (in moderation), nudity (in certain environments), foul language (in limited circumstances), and, well, you get the idea. But still. Smoking? 

What else could be on the list? How about slavery? If the imposition of slavery doesn’t make the Top 5 list, why bother with a list? While Civil War epics like Gone With the Wind, Roots, or Lincoln deserve slavery warnings, movie classics like The Life of Moses, The Ten Commandments, and Gladiator likewise deserve cautionary slavery warnings. Trigger warning: Slavery didn’t start in the colonies of America.

In addition to slavery, they should have a racism warning. It would be present whenever any character says something racist or thinks something racist. It’s not enough to say something, but if we think you thought a racist thought, boom! It gets a warning. 

How about platitudes? You know what I mean. When some politician announces a plan to take your neighbor’s stuff to give it to you. I’d exempt “news” programs, which would otherwise largely be banned in their entirety, but movies about politicians would get a platitudes warning. Of course, it’s thievery when the same politicians take your stuff to give it to someone else. That should get a warning too.

How about snowflake warnings? We really should warn some in our midst who might get their feelings hurt when Rambo kicks butt. Or when the U.S. helped save the world in WWI and WWII. Or when the Americans dropped “Fat Man” and “Little Boy” on the dug-in Japanese homeland. That still triggers some, but it saved both countries staggering human losses if an invasion had been required.

An uncomfortable warning for the Hollywood uber elites over movies like Sound of Freedom. Leon, the Professional, and Sixteen Candles which are examples of movies that deal with issues that are uncomfortable. 

But mostly there should be just generally “offensive content surely meant to tick somebody off,” which I’ll call ROFLOL.  Airplane!, Revenge of the Nerds, Tropic Thunder, Blazing Saddles, and the aforementioned Animal House are comedies where, egads, we laughed at inappropriate times, at least by today’s standards. 

Are we better off not making fun of Pollocks, blondes, fat people, drunks, and so on? I think so. We haven’t yet criminalized it here, but they have in Europe. The movies of the past constantly remind us of what was acceptable then versus today. But smoking? Really?

Kelly Burke, attorney, former district attorney, and magistrate judge, writes about the law, rock’n’roll, and politics or anything that strikes him. Contact Kelly at dakellyburke@gmail.com to comment on this article or suggest articles that you’d like to see, and visit his website at www.kellyrburke.com to view prior columns.

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